Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
