the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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