I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
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