These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Randomize
