Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
