Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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