really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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