im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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