I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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