why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
she pinky promised me she was 18
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Randomize
