were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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