I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
