New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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