She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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