omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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