and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize