Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Randomize
