When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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