Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
