your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
