Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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