Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
