I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
