My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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