my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
