Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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