k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
