Is it normal to miss your booty call?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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