My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
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