WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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