tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
