I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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