Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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