Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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