I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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