Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
