____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
