and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize