i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
