I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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