Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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