I swear she didn't look like that last week.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
