remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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