Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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