I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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