I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
