well you can't waste a boner
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
where are my eyebrows?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
