My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
