when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Randomize
