at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
wow bdsm is so cute
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
