What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
