you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
