she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
It's shark week go big or go home
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
