he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
