Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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