Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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