Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
