oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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