If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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