are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
