youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
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